Dear Baby Bausch,
Today we possibly could have been in the hospital welcoming you into the world, but sadly that didn't happen. Those nine months went by so fast but slow at the same time. I've thought about you almost every single day. Even though you weren't a part of my life for very long I already had so many things I was excited for. I had already picked out the theme I wanted for your nursery and your Dad was nice enough to just go along with the idea even if he didn't like it. Your Dad and I picked a name for you because we both felt very strongly that you were a boy. Leonidas or Leon for short.
I was so excited to be pregnant with you during the holidays. I couldn't wait to make them magical for you as you got old enough to understand. We were crossing our fingers for a New Years baby because Corey's friends had a baby on New Years a year before and we wanted you to grow up friends and have that fun birthday to share. I couldn't wait for family trips and seeing your Dad love you so much, seeing my parents be so happy to be grandparents, and for you to meet your amazing Aunt Wendy. I was so excited to buy you your first outfit and I still have some gender neutral onesies that I've held on to. I couldn't wait for the dogs to meet you and to see you grow up with them by your side. I have countless things I could list off that I was so looking forward to.
If I'm being honest I had a day where I wasn't as excited to have you because you were not planned and I regret ever thinking that. I was just so scared. But I guess it's normal to be afraid when you're life changes so drastically.
I have a little boy that's in my Primary class that looks almost exactly how I would picture you. I had to do a double take the first day I got my calling. He has dark hair and freckles and bright blue eyes. He's always asking about my dogs and loves animals and sports as much as I imagine you would have.
I've had a couple people tell me that I need to get over you and that's probably true, but I guess I take longer to heal than most. I was hoping I would be stronger by the day you were supposed to be here and I feel like I am. I used my miscarriage to put up walls though, especially to your Dad, and I'm feeling the repercussions of that now. I stop caring for a while. I faked being happy a lot but I got to the point where I could care less, but recently I've finally snapped out of that and I'm slowly doing better. I know one day I'll have kids and I hope they are up there keeping you company. I started going to church again after I lost you, so I had the sure comfort that you are up there in His arms, and I know I'll get to see you some day. I wish every single day I would have been able to keep you, but I know you didn't need to be here as long and your time was fulfilled shorter than most. I'm grateful I had the opportunity to be your Mom even if it was for only 8 short weeks.
Thank you and I love you.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Life does't go as planned
It's been a week and two days since my 8 week ultrasound, and its been a week and one day since my D&C surgery. It feels like it's been months. Everything happened so fast. But sharing and talking about my experience has been the best way to cope for me. I was so open about my pregnancy since I had no typical miscarriage symptoms and everyone wanted to know what was going on with my show. So I really had no issue telling family, friends, and clients that I was pregnant. The hardest part has been telling people that ask me how pregnancy is going. I feel silly for being so open about it, but I was just so excited and I'm terrible at keeping secrets.
I went in on Wednesday the 21st for my 8 week appointment. The doctor, myself, and the staff all assumed I was having a normal pregnancy. I got the "new Mom" bag with all the booklets and info, and Dr. Griffith answered all of mine and Corey's questions. He then said I could get an ultrasound since I was most likely far along enough to see a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech was a previous client so we talked and joked quite a bit. When she went quiet I knew something was wrong. Baby Bausch was only measuring 6 weeks and 3 days along and their was no blood flow or heart beat. She had to get Dr. Griffith and it seemed like an eternity waiting for him. The screen with my ultrasound was right in front of me and I just wanted to tear it off the wall. I'm so glad Corey was there that day. I don't know what I would have done being in that dark room alone. Seeing him cry was the hardest part of that day for me. He's been my biggest support from that moment on. Dr. Griffith finally came in and he let us know I needed a D&C as soon as possible since it had been longer than a week since my miscarriage and the risk of infection was high. We then had to go wait in the "Quiet Room" while they hurried and got the paperwork for the D&C. Once again, it seemed like forever. I left my "new mom" bag in the ultrasound room. I didn't want to look at it. I tried to give them back my prenatal prescription, but they wanted me to hold on to it just in case we wanted to try again. I just wanted to tear them up and throw them away, but I held on to that paper as tightly as I could before I lost it completely. The ultrasound tech came in again to give me a hug and then Corey and I both lost it. Sitting in that stupid "Quiet Room" room was awful. I never want to sit in there again. Once we finally signed all the paperwork we had to go to registration for surgery. Since it was an emergency surgery they were hurrying to get it staffed and let everyone know what was going on, so we had to explain what was going on over and over again. My Dr. appointment was at 1:30 and we finally left the hospital around 5:00. They let us know right before we left that my surgery was officially scheduled at 7 am the next day, and I needed to be there at 6. Corey and I finally were able to leave. We decided to go and tell Corey's family and seeing Corey cry again was awful.
When we finally got home we realized we had no groceries so we ended up going shopping. I felt like a zombie walking around the store, but once we were home it was amazing just to spend some time with Corey. Going to sleep that night was impossible and I woke up Corey bawling at 1 am. When surgery finally rolled around at 7 am I was knocked out and the surgery only took 10 minutes. I woke up out of anesthesia quickly and we were out of the door by 9:30. I was able to take some time off of work, and we had a long holiday weekend, so it gave me more time to heal.
This weekend should have been my show, so it's strange to think how much things changed so fast. I had planned to finish off my prep, do my show, compete nationally, and go to Cancun. When we found out I was pregnant, I was in shock since I had so many plans that were on such a different track. After the shock wore off we got excited and I was so much more mentally prepared. Yo-yoing with all these emotions has been hard but I'm starting to finally feel like myself. I'm so grateful for all the messages on Facebook, hugs, and flowers people have sent.
I went in on Wednesday the 21st for my 8 week appointment. The doctor, myself, and the staff all assumed I was having a normal pregnancy. I got the "new Mom" bag with all the booklets and info, and Dr. Griffith answered all of mine and Corey's questions. He then said I could get an ultrasound since I was most likely far along enough to see a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech was a previous client so we talked and joked quite a bit. When she went quiet I knew something was wrong. Baby Bausch was only measuring 6 weeks and 3 days along and their was no blood flow or heart beat. She had to get Dr. Griffith and it seemed like an eternity waiting for him. The screen with my ultrasound was right in front of me and I just wanted to tear it off the wall. I'm so glad Corey was there that day. I don't know what I would have done being in that dark room alone. Seeing him cry was the hardest part of that day for me. He's been my biggest support from that moment on. Dr. Griffith finally came in and he let us know I needed a D&C as soon as possible since it had been longer than a week since my miscarriage and the risk of infection was high. We then had to go wait in the "Quiet Room" while they hurried and got the paperwork for the D&C. Once again, it seemed like forever. I left my "new mom" bag in the ultrasound room. I didn't want to look at it. I tried to give them back my prenatal prescription, but they wanted me to hold on to it just in case we wanted to try again. I just wanted to tear them up and throw them away, but I held on to that paper as tightly as I could before I lost it completely. The ultrasound tech came in again to give me a hug and then Corey and I both lost it. Sitting in that stupid "Quiet Room" room was awful. I never want to sit in there again. Once we finally signed all the paperwork we had to go to registration for surgery. Since it was an emergency surgery they were hurrying to get it staffed and let everyone know what was going on, so we had to explain what was going on over and over again. My Dr. appointment was at 1:30 and we finally left the hospital around 5:00. They let us know right before we left that my surgery was officially scheduled at 7 am the next day, and I needed to be there at 6. Corey and I finally were able to leave. We decided to go and tell Corey's family and seeing Corey cry again was awful.
When we finally got home we realized we had no groceries so we ended up going shopping. I felt like a zombie walking around the store, but once we were home it was amazing just to spend some time with Corey. Going to sleep that night was impossible and I woke up Corey bawling at 1 am. When surgery finally rolled around at 7 am I was knocked out and the surgery only took 10 minutes. I woke up out of anesthesia quickly and we were out of the door by 9:30. I was able to take some time off of work, and we had a long holiday weekend, so it gave me more time to heal.
This weekend should have been my show, so it's strange to think how much things changed so fast. I had planned to finish off my prep, do my show, compete nationally, and go to Cancun. When we found out I was pregnant, I was in shock since I had so many plans that were on such a different track. After the shock wore off we got excited and I was so much more mentally prepared. Yo-yoing with all these emotions has been hard but I'm starting to finally feel like myself. I'm so grateful for all the messages on Facebook, hugs, and flowers people have sent.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Show prep so far!
44 days left! That's it. It's flying by and I can't wait to be on stage again. Shows start to feel more real to me when registration opens. We are also splitting a room and gas with my sister and brother in law so that is going to financially help us so so much. Shows add up so easily. To give you an idea of how much it can be: My suit (which I'm re wearing from my last show) was $600.00, my coach is $500.00 plus gas to drive up to SLC for posing practice, hotel is $89.00 a night (3 nights which will be split), gas money will be probably about $100.00 to get to Colorado, my tanning appointments are close to $100.00, my makeup artist could be close to $100.00 depending who I hire. Yep, it's an expensive hobby.
I'm so so glad that my family is coming to support me. With the show being in Golden, CO it's more expensive for them to come. I feel bad that I picked a show so far away, but I don't like competing in Utah anymore. I don't feel the judges judge as they should, and in Colorado I feel the judging is pretty fair. With this being such a subjective sport, one person may like someones "look" better, but their is a basic criteria and guidelines that I don't feel Utah follows as closely. If I don't place top three in the Colorado show, I have to do another show to qualify for the USA's national show in Vegas that I want to do in July. If that happens I'll probably do the June show in Utah as a last resort just to save money. But that is a last resort.
I'm so grateful that my clients put up with my more tired, scatter brain and me eating my food during their sessions. And I'm so so grateful for my amazing husband for putting up with me. I get a bit more crabby and a shorter fuse during prep. I'm also a lot more tired, especially with my work schedule. But other than that prep is awesome. I still lift as heavy as possible, my speed work is a lot easier with less weight on my body, and my hair and nails are growing like crazy, and my meal plan hasn't changed since February so it's been feeling like a manageable life, even though I have to plan my life more down to the minute. I seriously can't wait for show day!
Monday, February 24, 2014
Happy 3rd Anniversary
So Corey and I celebrated our third anniversary on January 8th. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. We were so so young when we got married, and looking back I'm glad we've made it as far as we have. It would most likely been better for us to wait till NOW to get engaged haha, but I'm glad it worked out the way it did.
It was seriously the most stressful day in my life, but who isn't a stressed out bride?
For our third anniversary this year we decided to go to Salt Lake. We stay at Little America and I officially love that hotel. It's so beautiful! We went to Martine Cafe for dinner after getting checked in, then we hurried and barely made it in time for the start of Nitro Circus. My camera is awful at any pictures that are further away, so I didn't get any good ones. It was awesome for sure though.
I loved spending this weekend with Corey. We hardly have any time together during the week so any time together is amazing. Here's to many more years of marriage
For our third anniversary this year we decided to go to Salt Lake. We stay at Little America and I officially love that hotel. It's so beautiful! We went to Martine Cafe for dinner after getting checked in, then we hurried and barely made it in time for the start of Nitro Circus. My camera is awful at any pictures that are further away, so I didn't get any good ones. It was awesome for sure though.
I loved spending this weekend with Corey. We hardly have any time together during the week so any time together is amazing. Here's to many more years of marriage
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| Martine Cafe |
Thursday, January 2, 2014
A New Year: 2014
2014 is here! It got here so fast! The older I get the faster it feels like time is flying by. I guess it means I'm busy (and getting older).
I always always have to start the new year off with resolutions or goals. And I'm a pretty open and sharing person, so I thought I would share part of my 2014 list with the world.
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| Family Christmas Photo |
- Get out of debt
- Live simpler (get rid of crap or don't buy crap that I don't need.)
- Compete at the national level for Figure
- Plan a family trip as frugally as possible
- Be an attentive listener to Corey
- Cook Corey a nice dinner 3 times a week
- Walk my dogs 4 days a week
- Paint all the walls in my house the color I want by April
- Have my house picked up 5 days a week
- Get up earlier on weekends
- Practice Olympic lifting form and coaching
- Study more about athletic and preventative injury training
- Grow my hair to my shoulders
- Buy as much locally as possible
- DON'T COMPLAIN
- Be more grateful!
Monday, June 25, 2012
busy busy busy...not
So I have epically failed at keeping my blog updated. I have the worst time management ever! I've been trying so hard to stay on top of things, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. And I'm not even that busy. I work, but I'm not doing school right now (that will be changing soon) and I am not full out training for my next show (Sept. 22 by the way for all those that care) so I have time that I know I waste.
I've been feeling like a super lame wife lately. I hear about how other people are as wives and I feel like I've failed in that department. I'm trying though. I just get all stressed out by the list of stuff I have to do, that I don't even want to do any of it. Lame, I know. And my dumb ADD self will jump from one project to another, so nothing gets finished. And Corey works so hard so he deserves better for sure. Last week he had to leave for for at 4:45 am! The whole week! I think I would die. One night he didn't get home until 8. Needless to say he is ready for his vacation.
I seriously can't wait until July because we are off to NYC! I'm so so stoked!!! July is a busy month for us. Corey's birthday is the 12th, My sister is getting married the 14th (so excited I might add), then we leave late the 15th to New York until Thursday. I have a list a mile long of things I want to do. It's going to be nice though to just spend time together and not have to worry about work or anything like that. My dogs are seriously driving me insane sometimes, but I know it's not their fault. I haven't been spending as much time with them as I need to, and they get bored. Hopefully when I have children, they don't get so deprived. haha.
Corey's best friend also came out from California to get married, and Corey was the best man. Listening to the ceremony reminded both Corey and I of the vows we took a year and a half ago. Has it really been that long? Geeze. So at the reception I LOVED watching Corey dance. Once of my favorite things about him is that he can dance. Me, not so much. I can't move it at all! I'm hoping our kids take after him.
So that is most of the boringness that is going on at the Bausch home. Lets see if I can keep up this blog thing.
I've been feeling like a super lame wife lately. I hear about how other people are as wives and I feel like I've failed in that department. I'm trying though. I just get all stressed out by the list of stuff I have to do, that I don't even want to do any of it. Lame, I know. And my dumb ADD self will jump from one project to another, so nothing gets finished. And Corey works so hard so he deserves better for sure. Last week he had to leave for for at 4:45 am! The whole week! I think I would die. One night he didn't get home until 8. Needless to say he is ready for his vacation.
I seriously can't wait until July because we are off to NYC! I'm so so stoked!!! July is a busy month for us. Corey's birthday is the 12th, My sister is getting married the 14th (so excited I might add), then we leave late the 15th to New York until Thursday. I have a list a mile long of things I want to do. It's going to be nice though to just spend time together and not have to worry about work or anything like that. My dogs are seriously driving me insane sometimes, but I know it's not their fault. I haven't been spending as much time with them as I need to, and they get bored. Hopefully when I have children, they don't get so deprived. haha.
Corey's best friend also came out from California to get married, and Corey was the best man. Listening to the ceremony reminded both Corey and I of the vows we took a year and a half ago. Has it really been that long? Geeze. So at the reception I LOVED watching Corey dance. Once of my favorite things about him is that he can dance. Me, not so much. I can't move it at all! I'm hoping our kids take after him.
So that is most of the boringness that is going on at the Bausch home. Lets see if I can keep up this blog thing.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
What I've Learned and Think
So I've learned so much from doing my figure competitions, that I thought I would share some of the things I go through. A lot of people don't really understand what I do, but once you read about it online or something, it all makes sense.
I've Learned
Telling myself I don't want that piece of pizza makes it worse.
Smelling bad food for me is worse than seeing it.
Cardio is Evil!
My legs are my weak point. I always thought they were the best until about 6 months ago.
I eat a ton. More than I thought I could.
I have horrible self-control with food. It's improving slowly but surely.
Clear heels are hard to walk in.
Oatmeal is awesome.
Tuna fish stinks. Badly.
I always must be within 10 minutes of a bathroom.
I can drink more water than I thought possible.
The right protein powder is awesome.
Figure suit are crazy expensive for tiny amounts of fabric.
Waxing hurts!
I'm not as awesome as I think sometimes.
Calves are so hard to grow.
Dieting is a science I have yet to fully understand.
I love the gym!!!!
I hate when people dong rack their weights. Yes, I can pick up the heavy weight, doesn't mean I want to.
I HATE when people just sit on machines!
I really really hate when I see girls not using the free weights and just sitting on machines or walking.
I have horrible time management.
Things I Think
I hate this!
I love this!
I'm going to die.
Get out of my way.
FOOOD!
After my show I'm going to eat this, and this, and this....
Ouch.
After leg day: I can't bend over.
Why do I do this?
*Checks self out* Ooo that looks nice.
I need to pee.
I'm late for this.
Is it time to eat yet?
Quarter turn to the right.
I'm tired.
I've Learned
Telling myself I don't want that piece of pizza makes it worse.
Smelling bad food for me is worse than seeing it.
Cardio is Evil!
My legs are my weak point. I always thought they were the best until about 6 months ago.
I eat a ton. More than I thought I could.
I have horrible self-control with food. It's improving slowly but surely.
Clear heels are hard to walk in.
Oatmeal is awesome.
Tuna fish stinks. Badly.
I always must be within 10 minutes of a bathroom.
I can drink more water than I thought possible.
The right protein powder is awesome.
Figure suit are crazy expensive for tiny amounts of fabric.
Waxing hurts!
I'm not as awesome as I think sometimes.
Calves are so hard to grow.
Dieting is a science I have yet to fully understand.
I love the gym!!!!
I hate when people dong rack their weights. Yes, I can pick up the heavy weight, doesn't mean I want to.
I HATE when people just sit on machines!
I really really hate when I see girls not using the free weights and just sitting on machines or walking.
I have horrible time management.
Things I Think
I hate this!
I love this!
I'm going to die.
Get out of my way.
FOOOD!
After my show I'm going to eat this, and this, and this....
Ouch.
After leg day: I can't bend over.
Why do I do this?
*Checks self out* Ooo that looks nice.
I need to pee.
I'm late for this.
Is it time to eat yet?
Quarter turn to the right.
I'm tired.
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