Dear Baby Bausch,
Today we possibly could have been in the hospital welcoming you into the world, but sadly that didn't happen. Those nine months went by so fast but slow at the same time. I've thought about you almost every single day. Even though you weren't a part of my life for very long I already had so many things I was excited for. I had already picked out the theme I wanted for your nursery and your Dad was nice enough to just go along with the idea even if he didn't like it. Your Dad and I picked a name for you because we both felt very strongly that you were a boy. Leonidas or Leon for short.
I was so excited to be pregnant with you during the holidays. I couldn't wait to make them magical for you as you got old enough to understand. We were crossing our fingers for a New Years baby because Corey's friends had a baby on New Years a year before and we wanted you to grow up friends and have that fun birthday to share. I couldn't wait for family trips and seeing your Dad love you so much, seeing my parents be so happy to be grandparents, and for you to meet your amazing Aunt Wendy. I was so excited to buy you your first outfit and I still have some gender neutral onesies that I've held on to. I couldn't wait for the dogs to meet you and to see you grow up with them by your side. I have countless things I could list off that I was so looking forward to.
If I'm being honest I had a day where I wasn't as excited to have you because you were not planned and I regret ever thinking that. I was just so scared. But I guess it's normal to be afraid when you're life changes so drastically.
I have a little boy that's in my Primary class that looks almost exactly how I would picture you. I had to do a double take the first day I got my calling. He has dark hair and freckles and bright blue eyes. He's always asking about my dogs and loves animals and sports as much as I imagine you would have.
I've had a couple people tell me that I need to get over you and that's probably true, but I guess I take longer to heal than most. I was hoping I would be stronger by the day you were supposed to be here and I feel like I am. I used my miscarriage to put up walls though, especially to your Dad, and I'm feeling the repercussions of that now. I stop caring for a while. I faked being happy a lot but I got to the point where I could care less, but recently I've finally snapped out of that and I'm slowly doing better. I know one day I'll have kids and I hope they are up there keeping you company. I started going to church again after I lost you, so I had the sure comfort that you are up there in His arms, and I know I'll get to see you some day. I wish every single day I would have been able to keep you, but I know you didn't need to be here as long and your time was fulfilled shorter than most. I'm grateful I had the opportunity to be your Mom even if it was for only 8 short weeks.
Thank you and I love you.
